KEEP BREATHING

I've been been offline for only two days but it seems like at least a week...
On Wednesday night, early Thursday morning is probably more accurate, I woke up unable to breathe. I immediately ran outside. I didn't even think about it, it was instinctive. My place was very warm and I knew the air outside was crisp and cold. I wasn't sure how long I was going to be able to exist without any air in my lungs. I took tiny sips of air, gasping, completely full of fear. The only thought in my mind was what would happen to my children. I laid my body on the quiet freezing ground and asked God not to let it be my time. I kept fighting to breathe, making weird gasping sounds as my body fought for oxygen. After about ten minutes, I felt like I could stand and it was going to be alright. At that moment my daughter appeared out of the darkness and asked what was wrong. I told her I couldn't breathe and she said, "Want me to breathe for you, Dada?" 
We came back in the house and I immediately called Nancy. I told her what had happened and that I was very scared. She reassured me. It was about 3:30 am and I eventually fell back asleep. Later that day, Lisa rode the bus up the hill to Flagstaff to pick me and kids up. She drove us back to Phoenix and I've been in bed ever since. 
I don't get sick very often but when I do, I do. I guess I got the full package: bronchitus and pneumonia. I'm not a big pill popper but honestly the medicine has been the only thing that's allowed me to be part of this reality. I've set my alarm so I wake up to take my next dosage. The idea of not being able to breathe has reinvigorated my idea of self care. Self care included unplugging and just being. Self care included thanking God for my healthy body that was doing everything it could to get better. I was so still the past two days that I actually understood life differently. Even now, as I write this, I am so grateful for the will to live that has been imputed in all of us. We don't get to see it very often but when we do it changes us. 
I know so many of us are sick right now. This, among other things, is a communal thing. Health care is imperative. Luckily, I have two women in my life who are health wizards so I didn't have to sit among a room full of other sick people just to be told to do what I did. 
I'll be honest, I'm a bit sentimental. I wasn't sure I was going to have anything to share today. I just followed the advice that so many of my writer mentors suggest: show up and be you. Anne Lamott, in Bird by Bird, writes about the importance of the "shitty first drafts" because they lead to clarity. 
Here's today's clarity: What is most personal proves to be most communal. What I perceive as the most intimate proves to be the most public, such as my lying on the cold quiet ground looking for life to sustain me. What most nourishes my individual life proves to be the best food for others. As I endeavor to take the inward journey of the heart, I see the outward journey that is happening in tandem to my community, to you. 
Our society over values progress, development, and personal achievement to the extent that we overlook the fact that some of us are sick, truly sick. I don't just mean physical health, either. Some of us are in deep grief, fear and isolation. Some of us are struggling to hold our families together. Some of us are struggling with addictions to the point of self destruction. We don't think we have any friends or family. Some of us would love to hear what my daughter asked: "Want me to breathe for you?"
I can't breathe for you but I would if I could. What I can do is hold your hand as we continue to fight for life, the beauty that is your birthright. Make every effort to reclaim what is yours, friends!


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