Posts

KEEP BREATHING

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I've been been offline for only two days but it seems like at least a week... On Wednesday night, early Thursday morning is probably more accurate, I woke up unable to breathe. I immediately ran outside. I didn't even think about it, it was instinctive. My place was very warm and I knew the air outside was crisp and cold. I wasn't sure how long I was going to be able to exist without any air in my lungs. I took tiny sips of air, gasping, completely full of fear. The only thought in my mind was what would happen to my children. I laid my body on the quiet freezing ground and asked God not to let it be my time. I kept fighting to breathe, making weird gasping sounds as my body fought for oxygen. After about ten minutes, I felt like I could stand and it was going to be alright. At that moment my daughter appeared out of the darkness and asked what was wrong. I told her I couldn't breathe and she said, "Want me to breathe for you, Dada?"  We came back in the hou…

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

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I suppose since it is the new year and there are new beginnings (real as well as imagined) happening all around, it is not too far-fetched to sound the WAKE UP call. As I rolled my body out of bed, careful not to put pressure on my tailbone, I thought about where I wanted to go in twenty eighteen. I no longer do the resolution list because I loathe lists and my follow through is laughable. I do, however, create some intentions. Mostly, I just ask God daily for faith and wisdom to know what path to follow or when to create my own.  In reality, the only way to be a light and walk in the light is to walk with wisdom. This last year has been a poignant lesson on how timing is related to wisdom. Because of timing, I've let relationships go, knowing their time was over. I've also let habits go because I saw how they disrupted the timing of the harvest in my life. Essentially, this past year has been a lesson best expressed in the phrase: WAIT FOR IT!  I've accepted that I am a …

THE MYTH OF SEPARATION

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This idea that we exist as individuals, solely unto ourselves, works until it doesn't work - when this idea butts up to reality. I love thinking of myself as a solo explorer even though most of my writing is to the contrary. I often prefer to be alone than in the company of others. I like to go on solo adventures - whether they are real or imagined. I think I mentioned in the past that my writing is my journey, it is where I learn about myself and the world I live in. So, this afternoon as I was writing in my journal I saw that old myth of separation trying to substantiate itself again. I have a feeling I am at odds with a dear friend, a colleague that I serve my country with. He asked me to do something. I did do what I was asked to. However, it was not done on his timeline. So, now I'm getting the cold shoulder. We all know what the cold shoulder feels like. I haven't felt it for so long that I was surprised at my own reaction. I really wanted to give him a piece of my …

BUILDING THE TAPESTRY THOUGHT BY THOUGHT

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This morning it is raining and overcast. My children and I had the lights out last night before eight o’clock. I can’t tell you how nice that felt. We each had over ten hours of sleep. Yep, sleep rocks! I don’t get enough of it. Arianna Huffington told me that I cannot catch up on sleep. Can you believe she actually called me to tell me that? She’s a Sleep Evangelist so why wouldn’t she? I’m sipping my cup of joe, my daughter is reading the paper, and my pups are waiting for the skies to clear. We’ve got Carole King singing to us. I’m totally present in this moment.  “My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view
A wondrous, woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold”  What resonates is that last stanza: “impossible to hold” - how true it is. I want to hold onto the beautiful moments, I try hard to keep them within reach. I write them down in detail. I even take pictures (as you well know). I…

KEEP WHAT'S WORTH KEEPING

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I'm pretty happy with my family this morning. After attending a screening of the movie, Minimalism, I shared with them only a little of what the message in the movie meant to me. Everywhere I look, there are little piles of what they are ready to let go of, stuff they see as excess. I have to be honest, I haven't quite digested all of the movie's implications on my day-to-day life. It's not easy to look at all of one's possessions and realize that most of it isn't really needed. For example, I have a Hohner harmonica from my days at Cal when I aspired to sit on the steps of Zellerbach Hall and play one of Stevie's numbers to a cute girl passing by. I have not played nor touched it in over ten years. But as I went to place it in the "excess box" my hand would not release it. All the memories flooded me. So, I did the next best thing. I played some horrible sounding riff (not horrible, "poor acoustics," according to PB) to Nancy on the ph…

LIFE HAPPENING IS WHAT HAPPENS

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Life is happening...This isn't sometimes, this is always. Life is always happening, whether we believe it or not. Every moment has a purpose, there is meaning in everything. Sometimes a thing means nothing and sometimes it means everything - then, there is the "in between" to be accounted for as well. I'm currently reading A.J. Jacobs book, Drop Dead Healthy. I've read his two previous books so I have an idea of his writing style. He continues to amuse and enlighten me. I'm not necessarily on a quest for perfect health but I am beginning to create a new path for physiological health. I've not been taking care of my temple very well. I may have overlooked it while focusing on my mental health, forgetting entirely that everything is interlinked. I am really interested in slowing down and digesting more of life in a moment-by-moment basis. It may sound weird but it's really where I'm at right now. I thought I was getting to the core of understanding…

ART IS EMBEDDED IN THE HEART

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Just like children, anyone who regularly engages in the work of art develops a life filled with wonder, yearning, flow, and serious play all over the place. For a long time, I thought this was childish but I know now that this is maturity. When I let my inner self free and stay in the moment, incredible art is created. When I can stay in this place of wonderment, these created pieces of art (which can take the form of friendships, work projects, health, new ideas, etc.) further conceptualize.  Maturity is not the sagacity to know the "right" answers or to appear unfazed by the ups and downs as much as it is the capacity to tolerate paradoxes and complexities, to grow within them. Such maturity provides the strength to hold onto long term goals throughout the jitterbug of ongoing process, to adhere to overarching themes even as we are engrossed in the details. Maturity allows us to hold conflicting values and ideas and at the same time, combine them in productive, innovative…